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Part 9
The Definitive Travel Guide
Part 9
By Spencer O'Connor
Editor's Notes: This is the ninth of an on-going series of tongue-in-cheek tales about traveling the USA. It will have you laughing outloud from month to month.
Flag of Massachusetts
MASSACHUSETTS
Mile for mile, the history buff will find more from antiquity in Massachusetts than in any other state. Unfortunately, a lot of stuff that isn’t historical is also looking pretty long in the tooth, so it's frequently difficult to tell the difference between the time-honored and the shop-worn.
The biggest problem is in finding a time to visit the state when the weather isn't inclement. A clue to how bad the weather is here is that Massachusetts has to pay people who don't work three times as much as Texas pays people not to work there. The long, cold winters are followed by a brief spring, which is usually defined as that period of time during which you could get your car out of the snow bank if it weren't also stuck in the mud. This is followed by a surprisingly hot summer, which probably wouldn't be quite so bad if residents would stow their pride and admit they need air conditioning. That leaves only the fall, which is fine except that unless you're on a foliage tour bus, you'll almost certainly be run over by one.
Most of the important historical sights are in the Boston area. This is unfortunate because the residents there seem to believe that tourists should be content to just send their money there instead of actually accompanying it. It's unwise to respond to rudeness in kind, as they'll assume you to be a native and look for additional ways to tax you.
Given that, the tour should begin in Plymouth where it all began. This is where the Pilgrims landed in 1620, and where the local Indians, never dreaming that they'd actually stay, befriended them. They taught the Pilgrims how to raise indigenous crops and survive in the harsh climate, and the Pilgrims reciprocated by teaching the Indians how to genuflect. Is this the actual rock on which they first set foot? Probably not, according to Mr. Robert E. Lee Smith, since there were no initials carved into it until much later, dating, as near as he could tell, to the completion of the local high school. He believes it was the grandchildren of the original Pilgrims who, losing the tourist trade to the hangings in Salem, realized that Americans don't throng to see the "general area" of where something happened. What they needed was an actual site where the landing took place; something people could see that was big, solid, and cheap.
As we move up to Boston -- making sure not to dawdle in the vicinity of vehicles with local plates! -- we hit the mother lode. It's all here: Bunker Hill, Lexington and Concord, Old North Church. You can see the actual location, marked by an actual monument, where the Boston Tea Party took place. Participants in the event obviously did a thorough job, as the bay is still quite brownish, with a light, frothy head. You can also visit the site of the Boston Massacre, one of the earliest events leading up to the Revolution. As only five people were killed, it's also one of the earliest documented uses of hyperbole. Earlier, thirty-two got snuffed in Salem, and they only called that a "hunt." Such literary giants as Thoreau, Emerson, Poe, Hawthorne, and Longfellow all have ties to this area. Significantly, all of them also suffered from depression. Of course their common malady can't necessarily be traced to their common residency, especially since the Red Socks had yet to blow their first pennant.
The fishing villages along the coast have long tempted tourists with the romance of the sea. Whatever the lure, it obviously affects the senses. With seagulls and a beach it’s called "bracing breezes off the sea," while the same aroma with buzzards in Kansas is "something ripe on the prairie." (Note: the commercial fishing has been bad here for the past several years. I offer this in explanation, should your "catch of the day" here taste suspiciously like catfish.) That aside, this is an area that represents something unique in the American experience. The names on the coast conjure up images of the danger and romance of the sea: Gloucester, Marblehead, Yarmouth Port, Chapaquiddick. And of course there’s the famous Fisherman's Memorial in Gloucester dedicated to "They that go down to seas in ships." (According to Mr. Smith, there was considerable debate regarding the phrasing. Purists pointed out that a true memorial would be dedicated to the ones who went down in seas in ships.) Whatever, the fishing industry is sadly in decline, with economic hopes for the area focused on tourism and as many sequels to Jaws as possible.
The western part of Massachusetts is far more sparsely populated. Scholars attribute this to the rugged terrain, poor soil, and the fact that they have no roads because they vote Republican. The region is dominated by the Green and White Mountains and the Blue Hills, with Mount Tom and Mount Toby being two of the taller peaks in the area. All were named by one of the early settlers in the Springfield area, who may or may not have been a former interior decorator from Greenwich Village.
For the geologists among you, Massachusetts is generally considered to be the best example of what happens to a place that's been leveled by a glacier.
Rating**+
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